The Royal Watcher In Me
I can’t help it. I simply cannot help it. It’s all just so absurd. Against all odds, I have become a royal watcher. Am I officially a part of the problem? You know it!
Growing up with my Iranian immigrant parents, I always had a sense that the Royal family was up to no good. My parents didn’t exactly speak positively of them. My mom never acknowledged the family has a whole but definitely had a soft spot for Princess Diana. (Why? I think it’s an immigrant mother thing, honestly. Please don’t ask me to explain that.) I got the feeling that she thought the royal family basically killed Diana with their tabloid mayhem. My dad never said much about them. I don’t think he could actually tell any of them apart enough to comment on their existence.
I do remember, in my youth, hearing that Prince William was, like, soooooo cute! I guess I can understand why young American girls would look to a prince living in an old fashioned monarchy and fantasize about him. It’s the ultimate basic bitch fantasy! A young prince rides in on his horse and rescues them away to live in a beautiful kingdom in the clouds! Wow, how romantic! The smell of fantastical love is in the air! And the smell of horse shit! No complaints here!
Wait a second… that same young prince expects you to conform to suffocatingly antiquated ways of existence and overly formal etiquette that renders you a stone figure without personality??? What the fuck! But that’s, like, so lame, though.
Well turns out, it’s not cute. It’s a shitshow. And that shitshow is kind of very hilarious and kind of very sad. Over the holidays, I tuned into the Meghan and Harry docu-series on Netflix. For people who did follow the tabloid madness of their relationship, I heard it wasn’t much new information. I did not follow this mess so it was an actual interesting watch for me. Like I said before, I found it all just so sad. Like just stupid sad. Here’s the gist: Meghan fell in love with this ginger, walked into a historically racist institution, and was like damn, these people are nuts, suffered depression and was told she couldn’t seek help for it because it’s, like, SUCH a faux pas to feel sad, and then Tyler Perry offered them his mansion. Oh, and the whole time a bunch of white people with no last names started to fight over the existence of a woman of color. Again: stupid sad. I guess the one good thing that came out of it all was that Harry learned to be anti-racist? I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence.
Something I found funny was that they really tried to toe the line with this docu-series, keep it to the facts, and not be too sensational. But then here comes Harry’s no holds-barred memoir entitled Spare!! (Google why it is called spare. I will not explain this anymore. It is all very dumb monarchy nonsense.) Turns out, he was playing the long game! Instead of leaking stories to the tabloids like those other pasty-ass royals, he was waiting to write an explosive memoir to fuck with his family! Wow! So messy, Harry! William is going to kill your ass!!
This has been the real joy to come out of this whole debacle: the randomly dark and hilariously absurd stories that are being leaked from this memoir. The stories started popping up all over Twitter and let me tell you, it’s a TMI hellhole! You got William attacking Harry, breaking his necklace, AND having a dog bowl break under him! Oh jeez! Where will the dog drink their water from?? Oh my god, Harry claims that Kate and William encouraged him to wear that Nazi uniform to a costume party when he was 20 years old! They thought it was funny! What??? It’s one of his greatest regrets and he is clearly still bitter that William convinced him to do it. Another reveal: the theme for that costume party was Natives and Colonials! What in the actual fuck is wrong with these people! Wait! Harry had a frostbitten penis during Williams wedding to Kate? Why is that in your memoir, Harry?? And William was drunk at his wedding? I actually think that’s quite okay! Oh my god, you’re telling me this dude Harry did some cocaine? Okay, that’s the most relatable fact about you, bro! Meeting your father’s mistress and soon to be wife, Camilla, was like getting an injection? What does that even mean! You thought she was going to be your evil step-mother?? This is not the fairy tale you think it is! He lost his virginity to an older woman in a field?? Okay, not sure how I feel about that one. Oh no, Harry is pro-the war industrial complex! Fuck that shit! He has no regrets killing those 25 people when he was in the army for ten years! He will NOT be embarrassed by this! He says the Taliban is evil! He knows this because he met the family members of the 9/11 victims! Are they directly connected? No, of course not! (Osama Bin Laden was not in the Taliban. They just helped provide sanctuary for him and Al-Qaeda in the time after the attack.)
Side-note: A Taliban spokesperson did respond to this leak and say that Harry was a war criminal and those Taliban members had families, okay?! Huh, okay, thank you terrorist organization for your input. Be sure to let us know how taking over the country of Afghanistan is going while you’re at it.
Side, side note: How does one get a job being the spokesperson for a terrorist organization? Do they need a degree in communications? What’s that corporate structure look like? Do we think the Taliban has interns? If they do, I bet they’re unpaid.
Anyway Harry claims the army taught him to be dead inside and treat insurgents like chess pieces. He must be doing okay, right?
Naturally, I pre-ordered the audiobook for this memoir. I had to! I love celebrity memoirs and most of them don’t usually talk about getting frostbite dick. That’s good shit right there. I am who I am and I will not pretend to not love messiness. And this memoir is peak messy. It’s has very real house-husbands of the royal family energy. I am watching and I am eating popcorn and I am not even remotely mad at it. It’s an emotional roller coaster! One day, I’m like yeah wow, yes, expose your brother for having anger issues, Harry! Then the next day, I’m like wow, Harry, pro-war much, you asshole? Fuck outta here! And then the next day I’m like… wait if you get frostbite on your dick, does that make it fall off?
Of course I am fully aware to the dark side of this all. I watched the docu-series remember?? Even though Harry is truly going for it in this memoir, he hasn’t really been attacked over it, at least based on what I’m seeing. The British military did come out and basically say please stop making us look so heartless. To which I say, shut the fuck up. Obviously the Taliban isn’t happy (are they ever?) But he definitely doesn’t see the level of attacks that Meghan does.
Everyone keeps accusing Meghan Markle of loving the attention. I don’t think there is anything wrong with enjoying attention. Why shouldn’t she capitalize off being married into this racist-ass institution. Let her make that money! I think she has suffered enough. But people still come for her, though. Calling her a narcissist? I mean, come on. She was an actor before she married Harry. She just took a quick shortcut from basic cable television fame to world wide stardom by suffering emotional abuse from the Royal family. I would like to see you try that! That’s real work right there, honey. Also and forever of course: racism. We simply cannot let this woman of color live. How dare she make a sad six episode docu-series about her intense and traumatic experience! We are sick people.
I do also want to point out that the fact that Meghan had to fly into Heathrow airport should give her some grace. It is one of the worst airports! Do NOT connect there, ever. They make you go through extra security, which if you’re trying to catch a connecting flight, could potentially lead you to miss your connection. Do they care? Of course not! That’s on you for not planning ahead. Didn’t you know the British were terrible?? And if you didn’t check a bag because you are good at packing efficiently? Big mistake! They make you take all your perfectly organized under three ounces toiletries and liquids out and put them in a tiny clear bag. Anything you can’t fit? You have to throw it away. That’s right, the British are still stealing from us. They have no shame. I will admit that I do take any chance I get to shit on Heathrow airport. It’s a bad place and everyone must know this!
Okay. I think I am done here. I need to take my dog out on a walk. I mean, once I finish that book, you know my ass will be back to talk about it. But until then, just know I am sitting in my bed, reading these wild stories on my phone, and laughing to myself. Frostbitten dick! You can’t make this stuff up. It’s so, so genuinely dumb. And for that, I must engage. I admit that I am depressingly and chronically too-online. This sort of memoir leakage was made for someone like me. Will I be okay in the long run? Probably not, but for now, let me live a little.
Special mention from the stories that leaked: King Charles apparently once ripped a sink off the wall after he dropped a cufflink down the drain. I’m not buying that he didn’t leak this shit himself. You hear stories of hysterical strength but it’s usually about a mother lifting a car to save their baby, not a royal idiot losing his cufflinks.
God bless and goodnight.